I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
