I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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