Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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