Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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