Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
