We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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