Pappa wants mamma naked
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
