I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize