I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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