Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
