It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
home. puking in laundry basket.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
