Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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