Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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