So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
