I puked a lego.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Randomize
