when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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