Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
