Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
