Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just wanna soil my oats bro
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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