My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
