I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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