i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
