Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Randomize
