Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
