Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
