I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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