I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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