I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
