Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
