When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
