When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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