Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
