do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
