i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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