Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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