2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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