Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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