If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
