Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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