Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
