my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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