Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
