he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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