and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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