I am midnight drunk by noon
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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