I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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