Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
