oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
