You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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