Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
a search helicopter?!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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