Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
