I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
