Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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