I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
