Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
