Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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