I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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