Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
